..anyone listening???

"Life is like a science, it's better if you diagnose it's patterns and act accordingly" - author unknown

the above lines were doing there racing practice on the tracks of my mind vehemously, and I was just trying to figure out why, like an ostritch who has lost it;s way in mid of desert.

Isn's this is the same room where I am staying from so long?? Isn't this is the same place which I keep walking daily. Isn;t it the normal schedule that I follow everyday.. yes..

It is pretty usual for me these days to start my day around 7:00, wake up. with an buzz or sms .. or to make sure that I am writting one.. though since last two days, I am refraining myself from doing so.. just for the reason of not disturbing "D".. I know she get's up by then, hence she will for sure send me an sms if she wants to.. else I have got no right to disturb her.. or do I???

and their start my day.. doing morning jobs.. in order to make sure my bladder and intestibnes have dropped out last bits remaining, lighting stiks is as common to me as it is for anyone to spot the beggers at a redlight..

and then start for office... oh I skipped... in between 8:10 am to 9:00 am.. again talking to "D" in bits and peices.. with her cab mates shouting at top of their voice.. like they have spotted Virendra Shewag hitting centuries after century against south africa..

And my evening is also pretty usual.. going to hospitals.. yes.. I m not mistaken here in writting an extra "S".. I usually go to 2 hospitals..

No.. it;s not because I have to clean the waste their.. whcih I wish if I can do... to pay back some good service which these places do to mankind...

But I go their to checkout the physical status of my two family members.. and no.. I don;t feel any pain to see my two very close member's dying on the bed of hospitals sliowely and gradually.. moving towards their state of consistant sleep.. where no more I will be able to disturb them to wake up.

Yes.. never will I be able to ask them to take me for a drive.. never will I be able to tell them that how much I miss their company..

While all my way in the fight of bread and butter.. in search of an self identity.. how much did I missed the warm laugh of my one uncle.. how much I use to savour everyword said by him... his protective thinking.. always protective.. and today that person can;t even think.. and I don;t even know that if ever will he able to.. the same mind is in deep sleep.. resting on ventilator.. and I can;t do anything...

Never ever will their be a car which is always available for me.. and a driver who is ready to take me anywhere.. I want.. so what if everyone at home makes huo and cry about our late night venturing out in field.. what if it seems to him the command of God if I asked for something.. so what if he need to go running and thirsty as a result to fetch me a glass of water while I am enjoing my kite fly on third floor and water source is on ground floor.. and now when he is feeling thirsty.. real thirsty.. is their anyone who can help him with even a drop of water.. I have bottles of water lying in my car.. but such a coward am I.. can't pickup the bottle to help him.. when I know he is going to be no more..

And the medical science has no clue that their is more than just a dead or life to a body... it;s emoctions, it's f*&%ing bonding which a body gets into while it;s alive.. totally alive..

I don;t know what to do.. or if I can do even.. but I just don;t know.. their are times when u hit a pin and u feel like a hell of a pain... and at times a butcher knife comes and cuts u apart and you don't feel anything.. I am getting numb.. numb in pain... i need a lot more than I have to feel anything now.. anyone listening??