old wallet..

you might be wondering that why did I choosen such a wierd topic.. but it has got a very closed relation with my present circumtances..

the homosepians are been developed in the way that the selfishness in us is inculcated since birth.. by nature.. we wanna to cut our mom's out to suck all the milk she have in her breast.. and from thereafter.. grow like a donkey who wanna to gaze all the grass out from the field.. weather it results in the circumtances where we are left on hospitals bed.. due to constipation..

And we only keep God and Luck as words to hide ourself from our shortcomings and falure.. and always compare ourself with some or the other object..

and I am no different.. or rather being a living disaster.. I am very close to it..

hence after reaching home from office... where I was as busy as a sales manager or LG ac's posted at Antartica branch... completely free... nothing to be done.. no deadlines to follow.. no client to follow.. absolutely (or closed to that as i beleive that nothing except the death is absolute..) free... I rubbed my toes... shaken my legs... all to shake my jammed body..to get some action... and sat down on my bean bag to think... that what was my reason to go to office today.. why they ask you to give a notice once you decide to leave.. or for that matter.. what was my use at that place.. except to consume the biggest share of tea... n robbing on other's food.. which I do at my own leisure.. literly hogging!! just like a PIG

and in mean time I was just trying to mess around with my already messed table.. same in the way Advani declaring Rath Yatra.. to varansi.. after bomb blasts..

and there I found this... my old wallet... which use to be sometime the one of not to forget item in my list..is now lying into a corner... same as the President of India in his time of service (I don't beleive that anyone can rule us..) and after that...
No.. plz don't make any type of conclusion by this that I am a guy who want to collect old items or I have some type of affection towards not to throw anything.. or wanna open an musiam.. but it just that "folks said.. you should not throw you wallet in dustbin... and I never morally agreed to throw it at Ganga's.. or rather never cared for it to disperce in that way...

the point here is not that I wanna your suggestions towards how to dispose the old wallet or so.. but I just wrote because I felt that today.. my situation is quite similar to that wallet...

couple of days back only.. I was busy.. important (I guess.. though u might disagree as my dad never feels that I can do anything right except creating disaster..)... had work to complete.. rush to meetings.. calling up clients... taking to boss about how to make the financial model about putting up a ROI system on each project.. discussions with HR about how the permance measures should be made so that we all who works here...are aware at any point of time that what they can do better that what they are doing right now...

and just after a day... I am listening to songs.. just wrote a single mail to a client about some pending payment.. and called up another for the pending cheque..

Though thanks to SB who called me thrice to discuss about how to do the certain work.. which I really enjoyed and tried to explain..

anyways.. I guess that's life... life of a old wallet.. you can;t keep it with u... still you don't wanna just throw it on street..

Sudama...

Sounds like I am going to write about some of the old historical story... nah.. baba re baba... Doesn;t mean tht I don;t like to read that.. but I beleive you guys have read more than me.. I am the winner when it comes to be dumb over any issue..

Mom ask.. what r ur plans for marriage.. I am dumb.. silent..
Dad ask.. what are your plans for carrier.. I am dumb.. silent..
Brother ask.. what are my plans for morning walk.. I am dumb..silent..
She asked.. what are my future plans.. I was dumb.. just dumb and silent.. straight looking into her eyes.. and she thought that it's better to get the answer anyhow.. than being with a as dumb as as "saddam" guy.. n my life's which was as much in
control as of Iraq before Bush's attack, suddenly was turned into the Hiroshima and Nagasaki after Nuk attack..

Anyways.. that dumbness caused a lot..

But it pays also.. for example when it comes to the complex questions in the class of finance at my college... I keep mum.. n look straingh into eyes of prof.. and he will always catch the next guy sitting to me.. so that could be dangerous also to
sit besides me in class..

Though it was on it's best for last two days.. when I told my bosses.. That I am leaving.. both of them started with all their amunations.. like USA and Britan's combined attack on Iraq.. and me as dumb as the Polical parties of India on the
Jessica Lal Case.. n the episode is still prolonging.. n this is not because of anything.. but just pure and sheer love they shower onto me....

And in between.. this sudama is my favorite name.. which is been given with love and care.. by one of my coligue Rawat, "Surinder Mohan Singh Rawat" or sms.

And I was just thinking .. as soon as I get out.. which is gonna to happen.. I will miss so much to his groan.. to the call of KJ sir (one of the boss), those free rides or lifts to home which he use to give me.. and the love and care shown by him..
in nurturing me.. those fights with sanjeev on all kiddo issues.. just ego hassels.. more on my part and less on his... or rather It was like I always acted as abonoxious as I could..

For sure I will miss the lunch party.. beleive me it is more than a party.. were all of us office people get around at a small table.. with all kind of stuff opened and inviting... the scene is no less than a UN releif camp at Somaliya.. and all of us as a refugee who had not seen food since ages.. nad those fights for cheese between Anamika.. and Rakesh (first one is Front office executive n the second is designer)... and also.. miss too much those hits on jyoti's head while roaming free..use to be real hard.. I am sorry jyoti... for all that pain caused.. And will try to improve it..

And also.. I will miss my flute (bansuri..) which I was gonna to get as my share of increment..

Memories.. going broader and broader... n will stop before tears comes out.. And guys.. I might make my funda's of management more strong.. might learn to make more flashy presentation.. might earn some more bucks to purchase all packs of cirggerates to smoke my lungs out.. but will I be ever be able to earn the environment like this one.. a family like this one..

The pain is same or more than when I left my home.. my parents.. and when I ask myself.. why I am doing this..

And the ans is obvious.. I am again silence.. a deep silence.. I m real dumb.. a living disaster.. Sudama..

journey..

Living.. or ... dying

This is a really tricky question.. we call that we are living... but is that living or dying..

for example..

take this.
You start from Delhi.. going to Mumbai.. by a train... someone calls up on your mobile.. while you are on roaming and wanna cut it short.. train running on full speed.. station coming.. and it get's slow... and you wanna have a look outside on the platform.. stop... and chaiwalla... garam chai.. garam samosa... and train stops on a station.. bhai thoda side hona.. nikalne do naaa.. abe yeda hai kya... you listen to all this.. and then a sweet..beautiful girl.. with a firmy cloud ..... and the vilon rythem boards on train.....

You just wanna talk to her.... and sitting and staring from eyecurves..to her.. and suddenly she gives a smile... and walks to your seat.. asks if she can sit there.. and discuss with you that how she left her loving dog.. how much he must be ,missing her.. and her boyfriend, the one who came at the station to drop her.. and the next one who is gonna to pick her at next station...

And then suddenly ask you that "hey!! where are you doing on train"... and you having the ticket of Mumbai.. thinks that this is the best thing you had got in your life.. chuckles that.. Me too going to mumbai..

in nut shell.. your reply is that you are coming from delhi and going to mumbai.. now replace the Delhi... the place.. by your birth...

replace the Mumbai...... by your death...the only difference here is that we don't know the distance.. the time... the cost of the ticket..

Now if I ask you to say.. what are you doing?? (In aspect of life??).. so tell me are you living or are you dying???

Memories....

Don't know.. or can't recall.. but still can't forget....
That's what with which most of us keep ourself busy... and that's what the most of us live and die...
We remember ... what we wanna forget.. and we forget .. what we wanna remember..as for me.. I always want to forget that I had a big fight today with my Boss.. just because I wanna leave the company.... or to the guy who ran away with my hard earned money after promises to pay back...or wanna forget that I never got what I wanted.. (a secret though..;) will tell you later... )
And always wanna rememember.. whom I had met.. (have a bad habit of forgetting the names... even forgot mine sometimes...).. what is the phone no of my own mobile.. or my home.. or the road map of the place where I had recently visited..
My frn's and colligues always thought that it is just like a fashion that I always call them as "Hero" or "Boss" or "Baby" or "kiddo" or blah.. blah.. as a fashin.. the secret is that after being with them day in and day out.. I still forget their names... and the worst.. when I need to call them..
And the worst part... whenever I call home.. to know the whereabouts of my parents.. and my dog... and what all and what not.. I always ended up with some anonymous voice of one or the other creature called as relatives.. who are always changing (have a lot of them so...).. and who comes on phone and sound like I will just act like a best bum-chum of them and just in a flick of second... will from somewhere on the planet will get the sky saying that who are they, where are they, and how are they doing...
One funny instance I can remember.. though a pretty bad on my part.. that I called one of my frn at his landline.. who was suppose to join me for a drink in eve at my place... asking where is he.. and he said that he is driving.. and I behaved like a complete moron... hanged onto phone saying that ok... I am waiting.. and only realised it after waiting for another one hr. that he was at home.. though he only came and made me realised that....
See here also I forgot what I was talking about.. and kept talking something or other..
But an introspection will give you a faith in my saying that we all wanna forget.. but remember.. and wanna remember.. and forget...
So let;s remember to forget.. and forget to remember..
Enough bugging you guys..
Hope you don't come finding to chop me in a grinder..and forget it...

meeting

guys.... had a meeting just before some moments.. or rather survived from that hot - hot conversation..

big boss was like shooting up all around.. and now.. firing all the flames.. emotional, coercive n blah blah.. available with him..

really bad to have that conversation with him like that... never expected it..

finishing it after a long time just to add... a good line heard somewhere.. goes like..

"Life means missing expected things and getting unexpected... when u r right..no one remembers but when u r wrong.. no one forgets"

change..

Life is like a ever changing.. and it had been more than usual for me..
Change is good or bad... can be a full session of a lifetime to discuss.. but still the change can;t be avoided..

U change by within the sec you commit yourself not to change..

Don;t know what I am writting and why I am writting but still writting because today just because of a small change... or rather it looks small to me .. I got disturbed..

I am currently working and also doing or rather trying to get my MBA finished as a evening programme...

And now I have got an offer from HCL Technologies .. and when I come and tell this to my previous boss.. a sudden affinity developes for me in his heart.. though he has been always very kind with me and helped me always.. but now he is too kind.. an due to this.. the first question he asks is that what is the amount am I gonna to get there... so that he can offer me more....

And despite of knowing the fact that money had never been my first prefrence in life.. atleast till now..

anyways.. time is changing.. behavior of people around changing.. for once's I was considered as a loyal one... now a past..n that is just in one fine hour.. the boss who use to sign on any paper.. provided it has my signature.. is checking every paper...

And me.. who issues so many memo's, appointment and reliving certificates.. is fighting for my own salary and releiving certificate..

And I guess that is change.... a phenomina which no one can control.. and no one can change..

......