chalta hai..

ye un dino ki baat hai jab mein toffee lekar khush ho jata tha.. aur doctor mere ko butt infusion karke khush hota tha.. I mean he use to rip me off from my pants in front of everyone.. and give me a tight slap on my backyard.. which use to grew red because of the effect of meeting between his hard paw and my soft butt.. and then without waiting use to lagao an injection... and i use to waste eatables like anything... abhi to bas waist itni ho gayi hai ki if I keep eating or rather hogging like same ways.. then I think indian textile industry is surely going to boom on top..

Andar ki khabar ye hai ki abhi bhi.. just by making cloath for hiding my vitals, reliance is earning enogh to pay off the cost of jet for mr. ambani.. and I have even heard that he just to show the grattitude, thinking to naming his mills toilets on my name.. "ASHISH-MEMORIAL-SULABH-TEXTILE-MILL-SHOWCHALAYA".. in the fonding memory of beloved ashish who used so much of cloth just to hide his vitals that this mill continued spinning for several years till he didn;t thought of going on himalaya's and joining sadhu's.. where he no more required any clothes.. so please piss easily and while doing so please do not litter here-n-there. make sure you close the tap after you finish.. and donate some pennies for getting "Mr. Ashish-pissing-zone" clean.. what a rememberence..

this all came to my mind while today I was coming to office and during my "hat-jao-nahi-to-break-nahi-lagaoonga" regime to reach office.. I saw several people standing in a que and talking to each other and doing their job happily facing towards the wall.. and on the wall written boldly was "GADHE-KE-POOT-YAHAN-MAT-M_ _ T".. (fill the blank yourself, family blog hai bhai.. logon ki bahu betiyan bhi ye padhtee hein..).. so out of my sheer wonder I stopped and came out with my stick in one hand and mobile in another.. infact I wanted to take a photo of the view and post it but then again.. I need to keep this blog as family one.. can;t make bahu-beteiyan-girlfriend-bachao-samiti, my dushman..

so here I was standing for waiting all of the persons to finish their job and then talk to them.. and I called off one person .. the conversation goes like it..

me : are bhai.. ek minute sunna
he : haan bolo.. (while closing his window of pant..)

me :aap yahin kahin rehte ho???
he : haan, kyon?? kaam boliye??

with looks which can even make a ulfa guy leave his gun and run before even he can think of breathing.. leking ye to hum hein... jab doctor ke itne injection-infusion-in-public-besides-making-me-nude can't make me shudder then how can this guy.. so I kept on..

me : ye aap abhi kya kar rahe the??
he : rahul dravid ki batting position define kar raha tha.. aur sooch raha tha ki kalam ko president rehna chaiye ya nahi??

by this time his other game mates who were getting their bidis ready came and join him... and all of then now trying to join conversation

3rd person : are bhai.. aapne dekha nahi.. halke ho rahe the... kya kaam hai?? MCD se ho kya??

me: leking aap to yahin paas mein rehte hein.. phir ye khuli sadak par, aap jab is tarah se karte hein to sharam nahi aati?? aap abhi ghar se nikle hoge to karke aate.. badbu bhi aati hai. aur dekha nahi kya likha hai?? someone who reads it, is making conventional memory about your dad (hindi mein nahi likha sakta.. sorry.. family blog)

all of them with hushed voices... and trying to figure out the way to defy this attack..
he: to aapko kya.. mat dekho. humne koi kaha to nahi dekhne ko... aur phir.. kya karein aa gayo to?

3rd person : aur khulle mein halke hone ka maza hi kuch aur hai.. aur jisko bura lage to aankh band kar le.. hamne koi gunah nahi kiya.. sab karte hein..

me: lekin agar sab galat karte hein to iska matlab ye to nahi ki aap bhi karo? aur phir galat to galat hai?
he : are kyon subh subah dimag ka dahi kar raha hai bhai (he used a much sane language.. as they were just daily wage labour.. such a stereotype am i)

and with this.. their interest in me and my conversation defied as much as a young guys exitement in miss world contest after suim suit round is over.. it was steep.. and they started moving on.. leaving me with my questions unanswered... making it a public show.. and after making myself.. a element of mockery..

the conversation left me thinking that aren;t we same.. shragging our shoulders from responsibilty... free.. infact public peeing is named as indian ishtyle.. (style i mean).. we should be proud to give world a new way of answering nature's call... and if our nation can proud on their this heritage.. why can;t I be also be proud on my ashish-memorial-textile-mill-peeing-corner... long live india, long live indians, long live road side peeing... chalta hai...

a stormy night

"I was successful in creating my blog, thanks for your help", chuckled "D", through sms... her happiness coming clearly from sms beep.. which somehow seemed to me like punching on my face.... i felt the same kind of pain which viewers feel while mihir dies and again comes back in "saas - bahu soap", though as of now everyone knows that he will come as soon as he dies, still when they see him back, it pintches.. though I seriously think that these serials can really help the nation get over from crime if they make it mandatory for every criminal to watch the "K-Series" for more than a minute..

anyways.. I guess this was the first of the sms which I was not wanting to see from her.. i felt a pain going down my spine.. nose started itching.. i suddenly felt that i am been ripped out nude in open public.. while people are savoring the view.. I am chocking for air... trying to hide all my vitals.. I could hear the echo of laughs around... it was like a King, who is sitting on his ceremony is been ripped off from his kingdom and being declared as just another man... it's like someone declared the truth to aaj tak which I was keeping secret to myself..

sometimes a person;s body behaves in a very abnormal way.. and most of the times that person is me.. if anything has to go wrong.. will go wrong.. murphy;s law.. was written only after he saw me.. and i feel he shold be paying royality to me for using it..

suddenly my and fingers acted.. and by the time.. I was feeling the lights getting dim in room... and I was feeling like a ape feel inside a zoo while rest of his successers laughs onto him... standing from outside and pretending to offer him... pain was builduing up very fast...

mobile buzzed again... and broke my chain of thoughts.. bringing me back to earth.. i felt like i m in zero gravity.. hands denying to open up mobile to read the sms...

"good night.. i think i deserve these tears" was written boldely on mobile screen.. with a spoof... all my "I" centered feelings went away... i suddenly realised what I did.. i broke my promise to myself.. promise to never hurt anyone.. may comes whatever.. never make anyone cry.. I here I was.. left without any choice.. ripped of it;s own created powers.. and I made someone really precious for me to cry...

someone.. who never complains about all my crap.. bears with my all kind of moods... someone who stands besides me always... someone who is always there for me.. at any hour of day.. or night... someone who make sure that I eat.. despite of all constraints someone who make sure that i m comfortable.. I gave tears to those eyes.. who blinks with the wish to make people happy.. I gave pain to a throat who suear to good wishes.... i made a heart hurt which pumps blood in a structure who works the way out to spread warmth....

what was so wrong in denying .... truth is a truth.. weather spoken or not.. and it is a truth secretly guarded by me that i m close to no one.. so what if for some seconds.. I was open for public eyes.. so what if someone wanted to keep something secret from me... do i know everything even about me??? or how many people I have who will even be truthful to say that they don;t want to share... or they can't.. atleast there is someone who walks the talk... truth is bigger than anything... and it might be hard to take manier a times.. but do I or for that matter.. anyone have a right to push down truth... how many of us do really have courage to speak truth... and here I was.. a victim who had made someone feel guilty for no reason... except that the courage was shown to speak truth..

what could i had done if a lie was given to me.. did i had any birthright even to ask.. or the right even to peep in.. so many times while so many persons came and betrayed me.. with my full knowledge that I am being cheated.. did i even had the courage to say anything.. and here when someone comes to me with a clean heart.. with truth... i take my eyes away.. such a hypocrate am I...

I feel like a guilty.. a victim of ownself.. one who hurts them who loves them the most... there was many more beeps after that.. but even today despite of changing my tone.. whenever cell phone beeps.. it feels like a reminder for me... that i m a victim.. I don;t know wether I am been forgiven or not..by "D"... but I am not sure that i can forgive myself..

and that night probably was one of the longest night of it;s time.. i kept thinking while my nose acted up to it;s peak.. no more there was a chill in environment.. it was seeming to me like a burning stove.. and I was no more feeling like a ape.. rather I was feeling like a guilty of ostarids..

"beggers are not choosers" was the line came into my focus... as I tried to read some book lying besides to burn midnight oil.. and i guess sometimes.. words written just as a flick becomes so powerful..

I just want to show all my gratitude to everyone who can raise their head with truthful nature..and suffer because of my alikes.. n i just want to say that i fully respect the truthful nature.. and turth should prevail.. leave anyone but truth...

encryption.. decryption

Feb 17th 2007
it was end of a long day when i hit the bed at 4:40 am day before yesterday to call it a off... but still sleep was nowhere near.. body filled with pain made me recall a DTC bus going from Delhi to Noida through DND... people showing their circus capability everywhere.. what a perfect fevicol ad... I guess fevicol guys should take all DTC buses of this route and paint them with Fevicol brand.. Girne na de... excellent property to build..

Anyways.. I was too perplexed to think anything... it all started with evening... while I started to ponder and take my usual route round... driving skills on work.. i had a unusual sensation of the chilled wind.. and it was getting colder even touching me.. and despite of sitting in a closed environment of car with it;s heater on.. I was sure that it is gonna to be a ice fall if I came out.. and I was just trying to find out why this is happening.. what is the meaning of that line..

fetching a glass of water is real tough in mid of dessert.. and then if someone tells you while you are completely thirsty, the address of a sweet pouring shower... the joy of that is not something which could be captured in words...

but the agony of life starts after that... it's not like a.. nowhere comparable to our.. k.kk..kkk..kiran.. sorry.. khan "love-romantic-scene-pinkinsh-dream-bolliwood-movie" where they show how our great hero, comes up with all possible adversities, and gets the girl and movie ends with the catch line "and they happily lived ever after..."

Life is like a twisted band.. when you feel everything is all right.. then only it will come up with a new surprise and catch you unprepared.. and I guess that is where all the action and fun lies

So coming back to evening.. i suddenly realize that I am just thinking about some conversation I had with "D"... where we were just discussing about life in general.. the adversities we share.. the emotions we swallow.. the feelings we express... and the way life is been lived in general..
And the suddenly it came.. came that line again.. like a puzzle.. Infact this would had been the first time that I was insisting so much to get through some words.. because I believe that this phrase itself contains some mystery.. which is like a fortress.. unconquered.. unseen..

Sometime, the mad rush of blood is also like a volcano.. can blast anytime.. and when it is something which despite of it;s substantial existance, if not known, then it can act up as big as a paramado'e itself. And the perplexity of the situation becomes so unimaginable that your mind suddenly stops processing...

The same happened.. I kept witching all kinds of combinations of anagrams, tried word replacement, tried morse.. even processed the line through a brute force attack on a system.. to get different kind of meanings, and then to make sense out of it.. and some lines produced by brute force were as funny as they could get... but the story is same.. it is still a unconquered territory..

I guess.. that;s what life is all about... chase.. mysteries.... run.. isn;t that???

..air around

"time is ever changing.. so get use to it".. was what came as a surprising quote while I was just flipping pages of some ebook I was deep sunk into..

I don;t know but something in these words had a power.. kind of power which suddenly made me stop and think.. to ponder over the life a bit..

"Change is inevitable".. and all of us know this.. so I m not tyring to get some discovery made out of this... but sometimes, a single instance, a single action, a single line has a power to change, to stop, and that;s what happened..

My jaws dropped with a thud while I started pondering over the time.. just what was happening around.. and trying to realise it in form of a outsider.. without any connect to the present circumtances..

the hell of changes I am passing through.. madly running around is now don;t seem to me as a one more job.. it;s like more or less a regular job.. much like doing morning jobs.. or so.. I am very sure of that if my current company throws me out of job, I will certainly be able to earn enough from my recently aquired skill of driving, and also sense of directions.. I no more feel missing in this cemented desert.. every moment has got something to learn from.. it;s what you take and make out from it.. I learnt driving.. and driving.. without stop.. without complaint... on people's wills and facies.. just without logic.. I learn how to reach.. reach out unknown places. by grappling on my sense of direction.. suddenly I felt I am growing.. for better or worst is unknown.. but for sure it is a progress...

No more the pale face of my family members shocks me.. this is usual for me.. I use to just get worries from something called as ward.. ward of hospital use to make me feel nausia.. but now I can easily sit there.. drink tea.. no more staring eyes of care takes detoriates my thinking process.. no more the sheening light of the eyes stammers my vision.. it's usual.. one more skill learnt.. I can also apply to be atleast a guard or cleaner or a sweeper at a hospital.. without feeling anything.. just without any connect..

mobile is now been used again like a alarm.. alarm to wake me up in morning.. and it is again slowely going to the side table shifting it;s location from the my-left-or-right-side to being besides.. just a ignored-one-more thing.. no more i expect to heat a famous beep-beep in night or morning.. inflation has certainly got to do something with economy.. it is really making people do away from their money.. costs are really rising on a faster than supersonic plane's pace.. though I never thought that it can change the whole preposition so much in just about a week.. I have started coming on terms with it.. you know.. I learnt here also.. learn that do never be dependent.. do never expect... expectations only make you feel.. good or bad.. and I committed myself not to feel.. and with the past three weeks training... I can sms while doing virtually anything.. driving.. taking bath... studying.. meeting.. else I have not taken medicine to support my sleep.. because that really makes it impossible to get up with a small beep.. people.. you can outsource your sms-ing.. new business.. or side business..

And when I saw all my short term assignment turning into daily jobs.. I realised that attitudewise I have now became so cold to things that you can profoundly take me home and make me stand in a corner and do away with your tower AC;s installed there.. and still u will get freezing chill in the month of july at top floor of Delhi.. mere exagratting.. though if attitude could had turned down the temperature.. I would had by now became a ICE-MAN, whom the government would had been using to chill the overheated parliament.. polititions would had been fighting elections on name of bringing me to Rajasthan with a promise that I am capable to getting a snowfall in mid of desert if I cough.. and they will create a holiday on ice show onto that if they win..

someone once asked if I felt bad about what was said... and I thought before uttering the worlds... that I will think about it.. and when I thought the resonance of following came into my mind..
"Nayanam Chiddanti Shastrani.. nayanam dahati pawaka"..
said by Krishna to Arjun in battlefeild of Kurushetra.. and it reminds me of some very basics of life.. and as I am a soul.. trying to librate from this corpus like body.. hence worlds and circumtaces doesn;t matter.. they can no way do something... infact if I am a divine flame as they say.. I could not agree more that i will not feel... neither bad nor good.. and if I am not one.. then I don't hold any dignity... to feel.. good or bad... so why to just create air around..

me with ....

hello, are you free now??

"me"

yaa, you only

"yaa, I am. go ahead"

I would had gone ahead, though just stopped to check last time if you are available, as I am consistantly trying to reach you since past so many days, but you never seems to be free..

"ok, now rather than beating around the bush, can you please directly come to point, I am really tired of"

I should come to point, I thought you want to talk to me, that;s why I came.

"me?? who told you so??"

I don't need anyone to tell me that, or do I?

"ok, if you are so much enlightened and resourceful then go ahead and say whatever you want to, and let me die again as I need to run tomorrow"

Nothing, I just want to tell you or rather than ask you why are you running?? for what is that which you want to acheive for which you are not even caring what is leaving behiend. This is not the first time you are in such a situation, am I right?

"I want to be known, have all that whatever is available"

and then, what will you do, will that make you happy?

"I think yes, but why are you so sucpicious"

because I am seeing you loosing more than you are gaining, and it pinches me.. i feel like helping you, but you are so busy that you always ignore me..

"what do you mean"

I will not be available to tell you that, you need to figure that out by yourself, but just to remind you, that nothing is going to be with you forever, everything is momentory, and it is more important to savor the taste and enjoy journey than being in a hurry to reach destination, because in this case destination is not much predefined..

"You are making me confuse about all"

That's is what your way of looking at the things is. You are so drowned in yourself, that you have closed yourself from everything. And you call yourself intelligent, though as it looks to me, you clearly are one of best fools around.

"You are now insulting me"

This is just your ego, big fat ego that makig you feel looked down. though I am standing besides you. You need to relax a bit, try to feel the journey, enjoy the morning breeze, let the rays of sun touch your face, let the noon play with your shadow, see it following, let the evening touch your cheeks.

"I don;t have time for all this"

It't not that yuo don;t have time, it's that you don;t want to have that. There is a basic difference between having and giving, and you are not open for later one. I am suggesting that you start opening up a bit, no one can steal things which are your's and nothing can stop those which are not.

"I hate everyone including myself, and please don;t do all this, I hate you too. Where were you in those times when as I kid I use to cry for attention"

I was besides you to give you enough power to cry

"wow, what an explanation, and where were you when as a young guy, when all my dreams were shaken apart"

I was again standing besides you to give you enough power to carry on

"bullshit, and where were you when I got all the kicks and rejection from this world. it;s filthy habitat made me suffocate, I letted my storm die inside because I was never allowed to let it go off... and what were you doing then"

I was then also, making sure that you have enough power to sail through and made sure that you realize that life never stops...

"that is what I hate from, it should... it must... it ought to... silence is better than pain.. I don;t wanna anymore.. I don;t I had already had so much that I can;t take anymore.. please don;t come to save me... when I am not wanting.. why you always pushing.. I hate it.. I just wanna be so silent that when these sound drops on my eardrums, they feel helpless to make any kind of effect, the false light of this worls can;t make my ratina move, I no more wanna intake this filthy air.. I just don;t... if you can do something... please help me in that way"

I am sorry, I can;t help you as you wanna... and I am going..

and with a spoof... he went away... leaving me alone... too alone.. shouting from behiend for him to stop.. with my throad getting too thirsty.. voice getting down..

suddenly I realised that I am drentched.. completely in my sweat.. while room temperature is 7 degree... and I am dripping with sweat... who was he.. i don't have anything to answer...

One more dream... dream of me with myself.. at 4:30 am in morning... and I came out to take a walk and also light up another stick to burn off the thoughts... but can they be burnt??

..anyone listening???

"Life is like a science, it's better if you diagnose it's patterns and act accordingly" - author unknown

the above lines were doing there racing practice on the tracks of my mind vehemously, and I was just trying to figure out why, like an ostritch who has lost it;s way in mid of desert.

Isn's this is the same room where I am staying from so long?? Isn't this is the same place which I keep walking daily. Isn;t it the normal schedule that I follow everyday.. yes..

It is pretty usual for me these days to start my day around 7:00, wake up. with an buzz or sms .. or to make sure that I am writting one.. though since last two days, I am refraining myself from doing so.. just for the reason of not disturbing "D".. I know she get's up by then, hence she will for sure send me an sms if she wants to.. else I have got no right to disturb her.. or do I???

and their start my day.. doing morning jobs.. in order to make sure my bladder and intestibnes have dropped out last bits remaining, lighting stiks is as common to me as it is for anyone to spot the beggers at a redlight..

and then start for office... oh I skipped... in between 8:10 am to 9:00 am.. again talking to "D" in bits and peices.. with her cab mates shouting at top of their voice.. like they have spotted Virendra Shewag hitting centuries after century against south africa..

And my evening is also pretty usual.. going to hospitals.. yes.. I m not mistaken here in writting an extra "S".. I usually go to 2 hospitals..

No.. it;s not because I have to clean the waste their.. whcih I wish if I can do... to pay back some good service which these places do to mankind...

But I go their to checkout the physical status of my two family members.. and no.. I don;t feel any pain to see my two very close member's dying on the bed of hospitals sliowely and gradually.. moving towards their state of consistant sleep.. where no more I will be able to disturb them to wake up.

Yes.. never will I be able to ask them to take me for a drive.. never will I be able to tell them that how much I miss their company..

While all my way in the fight of bread and butter.. in search of an self identity.. how much did I missed the warm laugh of my one uncle.. how much I use to savour everyword said by him... his protective thinking.. always protective.. and today that person can;t even think.. and I don;t even know that if ever will he able to.. the same mind is in deep sleep.. resting on ventilator.. and I can;t do anything...

Never ever will their be a car which is always available for me.. and a driver who is ready to take me anywhere.. I want.. so what if everyone at home makes huo and cry about our late night venturing out in field.. what if it seems to him the command of God if I asked for something.. so what if he need to go running and thirsty as a result to fetch me a glass of water while I am enjoing my kite fly on third floor and water source is on ground floor.. and now when he is feeling thirsty.. real thirsty.. is their anyone who can help him with even a drop of water.. I have bottles of water lying in my car.. but such a coward am I.. can't pickup the bottle to help him.. when I know he is going to be no more..

And the medical science has no clue that their is more than just a dead or life to a body... it;s emoctions, it's f*&%ing bonding which a body gets into while it;s alive.. totally alive..

I don;t know what to do.. or if I can do even.. but I just don;t know.. their are times when u hit a pin and u feel like a hell of a pain... and at times a butcher knife comes and cuts u apart and you don't feel anything.. I am getting numb.. numb in pain... i need a lot more than I have to feel anything now.. anyone listening??

curve on face

"This is not a safe place to park, hence you please carry on"
"Are you sure"
"Yaa.. pretty much.."
"Ok, just take good care of your's and make sure you don't deviate from path.. just go for a kill and nothing can stop you, and be in touch"

And we departed..

He went off happily.. and I was also keeping my curve up in my face.. though from my innerside only I know how had feeling it was.. seperating once again..

Someone once told me "Meeting and seperating is the truth of life, seperating and meeting again is the hope of life".. so true in it;s first half.. and second half just remains a hope to be fulfilled..

A fast recap.. this is a conversation we had a old delhi railway station where I went to drop him off because I didn;t want him to get wet by exposing himself to rain outside (said motive), though truth is that I wanted to be with him for some more time..

It's like a drowning man, who tries to catch breath as much as he can, does all the efforts, when he is in mid of ocean and knows well that catching one more breath will not make any difference to his sheer dimming ray of life..

while on my way back.. eagle of my memories took a long stroll back to Oct' 8, 2004, me sitting in office checking my mails, got a mail

"Hi Sir, Got your refrence from one of my friends and just want to check if you have any opening, attached, please find my CV with this mail"

And I don;t know what triggered my mind that I asked someone at office to call up and fix with this guy.

He did came, and we met.. and for nect 8 months we did spoke, rather most of the times, I shouted and he listened to me.. and just murmored "Yes sir, will be done"

It was all because I hired him very first day and sent him on some field project, and use to call him to take reports and for other work

and then he started getting close to me.. handling all my execution work.. proving himself worthy to be dependable..

And then came a time, that he asked me if he can stay with me... and I said, Ok.. I don;t have a problem.. though as a habit.. I prefer to be alone.. in company of myself.. because of my pricky habits of nagging on everything and anything.. and because of my patriotism of time schedule.. and also because their is a hinder side of my so called charming personality.. and I feel really incomfortable in any type of eye-to-eye contact deal, infact people say about me that they feel hard to find whom I am talking to if I am in a group, and that is why I can be found mostly alone..

And it is more because I have certain memories which I don;t share.. and neither it is easy anyone to decipher or decode what I am thinking or feeling.. and it is hard for me to say that...

anyways.. so here came the end to quite long association.. I kept waiting for his call.. all through the night, all through the morning..

Dinner didn;t seemed appropriate... thrown all the CD's which we use to listed together.. even thrown couple of items like ash tray which we use to fight for...

I am shifting my place of residence so far so that I can just forget him, I promise myself that I will change all my damn things which can even remind me of him.. but memories do trail..

I hate when someone comes in your life... I don;t think that I ever took or thought so much even about my younger brother somethimes... he became my younger brother without any actual blood relation..

It might be because I am away from home since he was very small.. and we meet only when I go home... but we both stayed together more like a brother;s and even I use to call him.. "Chote".. which I name only to my younger brother...

I just hope that he continue to ride the wave of success... and secure all what he want..

And for me... I am ok.. and just working hard to keep my curve on face going.. as this damn world needs that only...

Silence of "D"

"Hey, Good morning, I am in metro".. was the sentence which was first to come from her.. in morning at 8:17 when after 5 exact rings her cell phone was answered..

Metro??? Isn;t she suppose to be in her cab?? thought I, with quite a muffed face and scorching my head..

Yaa, it's saturday and my cab doesn't come on this day!!

So that was starting conversation, which might seem normal from all standards except if a pattern chart is created and mapped... it sounded quite different.

Why I am thinking so much about it??

Ok.. for reader's benifit, let me take a short skip from present and give an intro to the situation.

I am talking about one of my very close though not very old friend.. her name is.. let's call her "D"

We met accedently approx more than 2 months back and then forgot.. couple of mails and nothing.. and then came a time that since past more than 2 weeks that we talk atleast an hour daily over the phone.. and sms are sent from the time we come out of our dreams and goes back again to call it a day!! We exactly know each other's schedule, a lot of prefrences, and more than that we shout on each other, argue and we obey.. though D is a "Ziddi" kinda.. and have a neck of "I-know-what-to-do" kind but she does follows whatever crap I say..

There is something about homosepians, we might say that we wanna be aloof, but if given a chance we would love to be cared, love to asked for, and would love to talk. And I am no different, just in two weeks, I became so addicted to all that it seems inevitable to change. And if changed, my condition seems to be of Imraan hasmi pulled out from his "I-CAN-ONLY-KISS" acting to do an act of full cloth clad "HANUMAN-BHAKT-IMRAAN" without even a female species around the set, leave alone the movie.

Don't judge me for obvious reasons, D is just a friend, only difference is that her biological gender is Female and she is not like most of us, she cares, and her company makes me feel comfortable, nothing else.

Fast forward to yesterday, she was telling me some joke and I said why can;t u forward that and I will read. She said ok, but I could feel the numbness in her voice just after we disconnected, I sent sms but no reply, I did sent another but again no reply.

I didn't sent any other sms but kept checking my cell all the way night trolled slowely.. these moments also naa.. who says time is consistent.. it changes it's pace.. depending upon your mood..

Night felt so long for me that it took almost 26 match stiks to burn it off.. and I kept waiting for the sun to come up..

It was dripping outside.. and the avalanche was much furious inside.. and that's when I picked my phone and dialed.. and that is the time we had this conversation..

I did asked what is wrong but there were no answeres, I did sent couple of sms but no reply. And I can feel the usual sense of uncomfortable feel. which comes and grips u so tight that u grope to get some fresh air..

I just hope she would sometime understand that it;s not always that I am serious, and I have a twisted mind since I was born. And I didn't mean any harsh while I asked to forward mail...

And yaa.. at no cost I would like to loose such a precious friend like "D"..

You are a gem of friend... and there is nothing wrong in shouting if you are disturbed. And if there is any misunderstanding, please clear.. silence is no way to solve problems..